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Monday, 15 April 2019

Holding On

Yes it's been a long time since I last posted.

A lot has happened since last summer and to be honest I've not felt the urge to disclose all for once in my life.

As the title says, I'm just holding on.

I don't feel all 'woe is me' and I certainly don't want sympathy from anybody.

I'm not one of those bloggers who wants to make everything seem happy and fun, so if things aren't going great, I tend not to beat around the bush, and if I don't feel like writing, then I just don't.

holding on


Through Instagram and Facebook I've posted many quotes that reflect the way I'm feeling, and I've had the odd little post about some of the sad times like my nan dying, and the happier times like meeting my partner.

But no matter what has been happening my crazy head is still very much crazy. I may have moved house and gone for that fresh start, but I cannot get a fresh start from my head.

This head eats away at me, my son and anybody that dares come near it.

The depression and anxiety are in constant battle with each other which in turn stops me wanting to do anything and I can lose hours inside my head without noticing that I've done it. It stops me achieving the goals I so often long to achieve;


I want to lose that weight so I can help some of my long-term physical pain.

I want to know what it feels like to live in the moment and to be able to take it all in like so many people are able to.

I want to be able to self-regulate so whenever I get scared, angry, frustrated or excited that I can still remain composed, calm and be able to engage the logical part of my brain like I see so many other people do.

I want my son to enjoy my company and love me.

I want to not destroy every relationship I get into.

I want my family to be proud of me rather than put up with me and walk on eggshells around me.

I want to like being inside my own head.

I want to wake up each day and actually be happy I've woken up.

But no matter how hard I try, I still find myself in this position year after year.

Except each time more recently I'm now finding it too hard to cope with.

I still look for ways to better my responses and thought processes, and I've tried so many medications and therapies it's ridiculous, but I now feel like I'm reaching the end of it.

I am mentally and physically exhausted by it.

For the last two years I have understood why people commit suicide and I no longer judge them harshly for it. It's not to give up or take the easy way out. It's because they get to the point where they can no longer cope with the daily pain and mental torture. Each day is like enduring a marathon, and as the days pass it's like you never get time to rest between marathons and you're not sure how you're even putting one foot in front of the other.

I'm not looking for attention. I don't care how people feel about what I say or write. This is my reality and I'm not afraid to put it out there for the world to see, because nothing phases me.

I'm numb.

I'm going through the motions. trying to find that little bit of happy. I do manage it some days for a small chunk of time. Other days just pass by like a dull blur.

I try because I want to be that mother my son deserves. I hate that in many ways I'm not.

Today has been particularly bad inside my head and yes I want to give up and I'm taking it minute by minute because seeing much further than that is terrifying and too hard to compute.

I'm staring at a photo of my son to force myself to block those thoughts. To remind myself why I keep trying to manage through the pain.

holding on


I won't give up now. But I want to. My son does not ever deserve to grow up feeling he played any part in the demise of his mother, because he hasn't, but I know people who have lost parents in that way and they blame themselves.  That's the mantra that will run through my brain for the rest of the night until, hopefully, I get some sleep.

I will then start tomorrow as I do every day, trying to ignore my pounding heartbeat and the million thoughts racing through my head so fast I can barely keep up. I will try to remove the negative thoughts by focusing on the tasks needed to be achieved that day. Running through the motions. Distracting the constant barrage of abuse that runs through my brain and blocking out the negativity others bring at me because they have absolutely no clue what's going on in my head and they believe I'm fine and I'm just being plain mean/selfish/moody/insert any other negative word here.

This is not a fun post for anybody to read, so apologies, but it's a real one and sometimes I read other posts like this from other writers and it helps me to know I'm not as alone as I feel. I hope this may resonate with even just one person to help them in the same way.

Mental health needs to be spoken about more, so people stop feeling ashamed when they need support.
I talk about my mental health all of the time on social media, but I still struggle to ask for support sometimes, because opening this head can be frightening.

Even now I'm concerned for the judgements that will be made by whoever reads this, but at the same time, I have the urge to let this out because I struggle to find the words verbally to do this face to face to people who know me.

Life can be really hard a lot of the time for some people. I used to fear dying and now I fear living.

But my son will not know this. He will see his mum making him breakfast in the morning and then building a domino relay with him because I was too busy inside my own head tonight that I hid to cry instead of played with him before we had story time.
He will then see me getting on with things and trying to make the day good for him.

I've taken social media off my phone. I don't want to bury my head in it as a way to distract from my thoughts. I need to fight this.

I will fight this.

Thank you for listening.


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