Thursday, 7 July 2016
The Single Parent May Be Single Once Again
Are you surprised? I doubt it, this is me after all; Queen of car-crash relationships.
Jokes and sarcasm aside, I’m heartbroken. I’m embarrassed and I’m very, very low.
We haven’t broken up because we don’t care about each other or because one of us has done something to break the trust.
We have broken up because he doesn’t want to have children with me.
It hurts to the point of tears blurring my eyes when I type those words.
He doesn’t want to share a family with me, the one thing that I feel defines the strength and love of a relationship.
He’s a lot older than me so most people would laugh and say ‘surely you knew this from the start?’ but no. I had those concerns and was open with him before we got together. He said he wanted two more children and even when I questioned his age and energy levels to do that he was adamant he was as fit and healthy as anyone in their forties, which I believed.
But nearly seven months down the line when I'm in love and looking at spending the rest of my life with him, he decides to drop the bombshell that he definitely wants no more children.
Since I ended things with Chunk’s father four years ago I haven’t had a serious relationship with anyone, because I’ve been far too scared to get hurt again. That man destroyed me. The man I thought I would be with forever broke my heart so many times to the point it died.
I’ve avoided relationships for four years because the thought of going through that pain again whilst attempting to be a functioning parent was not a risk I was willing to take.
Until this Bloke came along and changed that. He made me feel safe and initially made me feel loved and like he would be there forever.
I started to take my defences down and allowed myself to love him and let him in.
I told him so many deep, personal things which very few people in the world know, because I thought he would never leave.
Sure we are not perfect, but who is when they are still getting to know each other and working out ways to rub along together? That stuff takes years and I was willing to go through that because I thought we cared enough for each other to never give up.
We’ve not been getting on great lately, but that’s been a mixture of him not knowing if he wanted children, me worrying about him possibly not wanting children, his workload and financial problems as well as my mental health. We have had a lot to deal with in such a short space of time, and where many new couples would have been torn apart by these things, we got stronger.
So I’m devastated, because I’ve lost something that could have been forever.
My son has lost a great male role model, who he has grown to love.
I don’t know if I do want another child some days, because I feel like I fail as a mum quite often, but I've known so many adults who were only-children and I haven’t liked a lot of the traits they have. I don’t want my son to be like that.
I want him to have someone he can go to for support when his father and I are no longer on this earth. I want him to share this world with someone who is also a part of me.
I want him to have someone to bicker with and play with. I don’t want him to be alone.
Sure I hate the idea of going through another pregnancy and having a baby because babies are quite hard work. Toddlers are hard work. And I’m broke and now at a point where I enjoy having six hours sleep a night without being disturbed.
Why can’t he believe in our ability to get through those tough early stages and get through them happily?
Why can’t he believe that we are strong enough to do it but also enjoy it?
Why doesn’t he have faith in me, or us?
Part of me is thinking I shouldn’t have ended it because of a child I may never even get to have, because I find it so hard to meet men anyway, especially men who I trust and who are strong enough to deal with my baggage. I may never get the child I want anyway, so why lose the guy too?
I get angry because if I were to get pregnant by accident he has said he would be overjoyed. Why can’t you be overjoyed if we planned it a year down the line too?
I'm so confused, hurt and angry.
I hate myself for believing him when I first met him.
I hate myself for believing in him and us.
I hate myself for letting my guard down and allowing myself to love another man who has left.
They all leave.
This has just reinforced why I don’t trust men.
It’s so hard not to take it personally, not to think that he just doesn’t love me enough to want that with me.
He’s only the second man in my life that I’ve ever wanted a baby with which shows just how much he means to me- I don’t do things like this lightly at all.
What am I going to tell my son? He’s already asking where Bloke is as we’ve not seen him for a few days.
How do I get through this? How do I get up each day and try to pretend I’m happy when Chunk is around?
Today is the first day it’s sunk in that I’m alone and that my dream of completing my family may never happen and to be honest I am struggling to pretend in front of Chunk.
I’m a mess yet again and I’ve had enough.
Yes I’m feeling sorry for myself and yes I know that’s not attractive or necessary, but more than that I feel angry with myself, I feel ashamed and I feel disgusted that I have allowed myself to be rejected and hurt yet again.
I never learn.
I’ve lost another best friend and I’m surrounded by reminders of what I’ve lost. I pass the same café everyday where we first met. I have photos that have arrived from our first, and only, holiday together. His slippers are still in the hall.
Now it’s so unlikely I will meet another man and have a child whilst Chunk is still young enough to not have a huge age gap. I’ve fucked up for my son as well as for me.
It would be so much easier if it had ended because I no longer loved him. I’ve had to let go of someone because they didn’t want the same future as me and that hurts so much more.
I’m trying very hard not to think about how easy he will move on as this is a guy who isn’t single for long. If he does, I guess it shows he didn’t feel the way I thought he did after all.
Apologies for such a negative, depressing post, but I like to write about real life, the highs and the lows, and I just cannot pretend to be something I’m not.
Any advice on how to deal with this situation would be gratefully received.
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Labels: breaking up , dating , emotional health , family , heartbreak , heartbroken , love , not wanting anymore children , relationships , Separation , single parent dating , uk , wellbeing