Saturday, 13 April 2013

Why I've Created This Blog & My Rant on USELESS FATHERS!


Some of you may recognise my rants, meltdowns, sarcasm or even occasionally crazy blog posts, and that is because I wrote 'The Pregnant Pessimist' blog last year throughout my rollercoaster of a pregnancy.

Since giving birth in early 2012 to my beautiful little man, Chunk, I've barely had the time to do what used to take seconds, like brush my hair, eat (healthily) or even do that thing people call socialising.

What used to take 10 minutes, such as whizzing around the place with a hoover, now takes a mammoth amount of time, due to Chunk being EVERYWHERE and into EVERYTHING since he began walking at 10 months old. Even before his feet engaged with his brain, he was still able to get himself in mischief (or danger) when he could only sit upright. How do they do it?!

What's worse, is that his biological father, who is now named SD (sperm donor), walked out on us when Chunk was 6 weeks old, to spend 8 months using the lovely tax payers (and my son's maintenance) money on drink and drugs for himself and his equally vile 'friends' ( I use the term loosely). This even included SD stealing money from my purse that he knew was for our son, as money has been very tight for me as statutory maternity pay doesn't even cover the mortgage let alone anything else!
He then proceeded to enter rehab, and after us taxpayers pay his rent and food in the rehab (£70 per fortnight to be exact), he gets £100 per fortnight to spend on whatever he likes, and guess what- it is spent on HIMSELF!

On Chunk's first birthday, SD managed a card and claimed he felt so bad for not being able to buy him a present. Three days later he got £125 in his pocket in benefits, and where did it go? A new phone, phone credit and more rubbish all for HIMSELF.

It wouldn't be so bad if the baby was an accident and I chose to keep it, but Chunk was planned by BOTH of us, so in my opinion that means we went into a verbal and emotionally agreement that we would both therefore do everything equally. That means we each pay half of Chunk's monthly outgoings, each do half the practical work, and half the emotional work, regardless of whether we are together or not.

But no, apparently, not only do women have to go through the trauma that is pregnancy and labour, we are then expected to raise the child, give him the love and support he will need, and also pay the majority of his costs!

I am not for one second suggesting that I don't enjoy parenting my son, because I adore the bones of him and those tiny moments where he learns new things are the best feelings I will ever have. He is my world and I love him with my entire heart and soul, but I am angry that a lot of men these days appear to not feel the same unconditional love that us mothers do.
Don't get me wrong, there are days where I question my abilities to parent and miss my independence and freedom, but at no point have I ever even considered walking out on Chunk, as I know it is my job to protect him, house/feed him and care for him until he is old enough to do it himself- so why doesn't SD have those same innate feelings?!

I find it hard to believe that fathers don't attach in the way we do, as I have met many fathers that would do anything for their children, but they seem to be fathers from older generations- I rarely find a man these days who both say they adore their kids, but more importantly, SHOW IT in their actions. SD spouts continually that he adores Chunk and cares for him more than anyone, but when he has the chance to show this, by putting Chunk first, he repeatedly puts himself first instead, thus proving that he doesn't love or care for Chunk in the way that a dad should (many a night I have cried over this, as Chunk doesn't deserve that!).

Worryingly, SD isn't the only man I know of that acts this way- I am seeing more and more men do this- how many women do you know that are raising their kids by themselves, and their exes are not even doing the smallest, easiest parts of parenting, like giving them enough money to feed and home their kids?!

I went to the CSA, but apparently due to SD being fed, homed and heated in rehab, he only needs to give Chunk £2.50 a week out of the £100 he pockets every fortnight. SD feels he shouldn't have to go without his money, and that the most he would be prepared to pay is £40 a fortnight- err what about the 8 months I never got a penny, don't I deserve anything extra for that, and why did none of that £125 go on a present for Chunk's very first birthday?!

And the biggest injustice of it all, is that because I stupidly put him on the birth certificate (I blame my hormones and the sleep deprivation), even though SD is now not in Chunk's life at all, he will always be able to dictate and control Chunk's surname and where he can reside until he is an adult.
So Chunk has to bear the name of that embarrassment of a man (although luckily I managed to double-barrel it before SD left for good), and I cannot attempt to move abroad to be with my family (which includes five positive male role models for Chunk, compared to the zero I have here!) because SD has told me he will never allow it to happen.

I can't even go on holiday for more than 2 weeks without his permission, so not only does he get away with doing or contributing nothing to my son's upbringing so far, he also gets to control our future!

I am partly to blame, because SD has two other children from previous relationships (yes there is an 's' on the end of relationships), and he has not paid a penny or seen them for many years either, but what can I say? I met him at one of the most vulnerable times of my life, was easily manipulated and believed his every word that what we had was different. Mix in the fact that all of a sudden my biological clock started going ON AND ON at me 24 hours a day, and completely blocked out all logical thinking patterns in my brain, and hey presto I thought it was a good idea to have a baby with that man!

But all the stress and strains of the above aside, Chunk is worth my hard work. He is worth the constant sleepless nights, tantrums, mess, exhaustion, early starts/late nights, and never having a break even to pop out to the shops or have a wee on my own because I don't have the luxury of having a partner here to leave him with.

Chunk has given my life meaning, and he has taught me so much. If he wasn't here and SD had done all of this to me, I would have taken a lot longer to recover, and would have allowed my depression to swallow me up. Chunk has not given me a choice, but to get up every day (early I might add), and to continue functioning and trying to better our lives for him. He is the reason I am pushing through all this bullshit, and am striving to deal with things better than I ever have before.

There is an assumption that parents teach their children, and children absorb these teachings, but I believe it goes the other way too. Chunk has taught me what the important things in life really are, and what really shouldn't be focussed on at all, and for that lesson I will always be indebted to him.

1 comment :

  1. As you were saying hun, that all men you have come across aren't living up to the standard's in which us mother's do when it comes to children.
    You need to look really hard as my partner took on my 1 year old daughter and has been nothing but a huge support to her, you wouldn't believe he is not her dad, unlike her real one which sounds just like your ex for that matter. My partner and I have now had a son of our own and are also expecting our second together but as we class it our third (his suggestion not mine). He's an amazing dad and will go without just so the children can have what they want/need. He's a diamond in the rough.

    As for your ex controlling your life, this is not fully true, after him having no involvement in your son's life (doesn't matter that he pays CSA) that means contact physically and mentally. And has been no support for the child that after a period of I think it's 2 years you can go to court and have his PR removed. You can also apply to the court without your ex's permission to change your son's surname too. You can move out the country as if he's had no contact and hasn't shown sign's of wanting contact the court can grant that you can move out the UK, there would be a hearing to assess if it is worth it and the benefits on your son, but it's highly possible, so don't give up. And well done for getting this far as a single parent, I have been there since before my daughter was born (its complicated) and raised her until she was 15 months which is when my current partner got involved. Don't give up on anything hunni, and remember its only SD missing out on everything not you or chuck he's got what's important YOU!

    P.s. using my partners account to write this.


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